Dirty Johnny
The self-appointed Commodore of the Armada, Dirty Johnny’s existence is wholly dedicated to the relentless pursuit, at any cost, of the penultimate breakfast experience. He eats, sleeps and breathes brunch and is perpetually tormented by nightmares of aloof, large-bottomed, waitresses offering up unimaginative meals at an unfair price, replete with undercooked hash browns, bland hollandaise and soggy bacon in inadequate portions.
Conceived and born in an East St Louis greasy-spoon kitchen to a short order cook and a cocktail waitress named Mavis, Johnny was raised on over-easy eggs, gristly sausages and thick, hearty blueberry pancakes. It was apparent to Mavis from a very early age that Johnny had special talents and that his destiny lay along a different path than hers. “You are gifted, Dirty Johnny” she told him, “and you’ve been chosen by a higher power to go forth and utilize your keen ability to distinguish between food that is good and food that is shitty in order to benefit society.” With that she entrusted him to the care of a randomly chosen trucker, ensuring he would be exposed to greasy spoons across the continent, honing his skills as he ate.
Having eaten breakfast from coast to coast with taters and toast, he is considered by many to be one of the world’s foremost authorities on what is widely regarded to be the most important meal of the day. Internationally renowned French chef Paul Prudhomme has labeled him “without question, the most significant thing to happen to breakfast since the advent of the deep fryer”. Popular television personality Emeril Lagasse of “Emeril Live” echoes Prudhomme’s sentiment, “Dirty Johnny? One word: Bam.”
As the 21st century forges ahead, Johnny’s name and reputation have come to represent not just a mere food critic but a vision of what breakfast is and should strive to become. With uncertain times looming on the horizon, one thing can be counted on, and that is Dirty Johnny and his loyal crew of hardened gourmands will continue to put their asses on the line, day-in, day-out, utilizing his unique non-partisan expertise to deliver the quality, objective breakfast reviews that the public-at-large has come to expect and demand from the enigmatic juggernaut that is the Breakfast Armada.
Commodore’s Log
- South America – Part 3: Peruvian Girls Are Easy
- South America – Part 2: Bring on the Gimp
- South America – Part 1: Rough Landing
- South East Asia – Part 7: Curry in a coconut shell
- South East Asia – Part 6: The heat is on in Saigon
- South East Asia – Part 5: Blasting off from Phi Phi
- South East Asia – Part 4: Not Thai enough for you?
- South East Asia – Part 3: Hucksters and mooks
- South East Asia – Part 2: One night in Bangkok
- South East Asia – Part 1: Lizard on a stick
Dirty Johnny
Articles
- The Cat’s Meow #3
- The Cat’s Meow
- Tommy’s
- Milestones – English Bay
- Bon’s Off Broadway #2
- White Spot – West Georgia
- South America – Part 3: Peruvian Girls Are Easy
- South America – Part 2: Bring on the Gimp
- South America – Part 1: Rough Landing
- Bon’s Off Broadway
- The Dutch Wooden Shoe Café #2
- Vertical Dining Lounge
- Thorn Tree Café
- Zen Café
- Denny’s – West Broadway
- The Elbow Room Café
- The Cat’s Meow #2
- The Whip
- Havana
- The Regal Beagle
- The Dutch Wooden Shoe Café
- Hell’s Kitchen
- IHOP – No. 3 Road
- South East Asia – Part 7: Curry in a coconut shell
- South East Asia – Part 6: The heat is on in Saigon
- South East Asia – Part 5: Blasting off from Phi Phi
- South East Asia – Part 4: Not Thai enough for you?
- South East Asia – Part 3: Hucksters and mooks
- South East Asia – Part 2: One night in Bangkok
- South East Asia – Part 1: Lizard on a stick
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